Don’t say “Yes” when you want to say “No”

Have you ever felt that you have several knives stabbed in your back and yet smiled and said, “I'm okay”? This perhaps was not one occasion but you repeatedly bear all the load, feel like screaming “NO” and yet say “YES”?. Well, then you belong to a category of people who want to desperately say “no” and end up saying “yes”. At what cost will one keep on saying ‘yes’? Why is refusal so difficult?

Some years ago, I remembered, when a colleague of mine gifted me a book and smiled at me, saying I need it the most. As a book lover and avid reader, I could not refuse to accept the gift, that too a book wow! I thought. However, his words echoed in my head about “me needing it the most”. I got back home and eagerly unwrapped the book….the title read “DON’T SAY YES WHEN YOU WANT TO SAY NO”. Now that is quite interesting, how in the world did the person even realize that I had difficulty in saying “no”?

When I recalled my early years, I indeed found it tough to say the two-lettered word “No”, When I would have my assignments to complete and then if my friend requested me to do her assignment as well, I did not have the conscience to refuse. Many times, I found myself in awkward situations, ending up doing things that I did not want to do. As I grew up, this continued in several ways contributing to my personality being questioned by myself. I even scrutinized this behavior as something being wrong or having a disorder.

Reason or causes:

What made me this way, I had no answer to that. Perhaps the feeling of hurting someone, or making them feel bad made me end up doing things that were not acceptable to me.

Like me, there are several people out there, who end up saying “yes” when they mean “no”. Possibly we are also afraid of the reaction of others, what could the consequences of our refusal be? Maybe it is also our mindset was saying “Yes” is a sign of generosity, empathy, and being unselfish. On the other hand, saying “No” could mean being selfish and unkind.

Over a while, this type of behavior, in the long term, could create a negative impact, as we will end up saying “yes” more and more to meet others' expectations. This could also lead to unwanted stress and unhappiness.

The most prominent reasons that top the list are:

• A sense of obligation to help others
• To avoid conflict
• For want of appreciation
• The fear of losing opportunities
• To hang on with relationships
• To avoid being guilty and uncomfortable
• The opinion about others

How to learn the art of not saying “yes” all the time or rather saying “NO”

It is very important to understand that saying “no” matters in avoiding causing injury to one’s morale, self-esteem, and inner core. To help us reach the depth of the issue, it's best to ask yourself about what YOU like. How you would like to see yourself, what are your likes and dislikes, happiness and sadness?

It is of primary importance to see to it that you start doing things that make you gain respect from your perspective rather than what others think about you.

Some useful questions and tips to use

• What does it mean for you always to say “yes”
• What do I believe in, and does it affect my belief system and values?
• How can I say “no” in a kind way?
• What would happen if I said no?
• Are you able to Communicate transparently to the other party?
• Also, understand that saying “no” will not make you a bad person
• Know yourself
• Practice assertive communication

At some point in our lives, we have come across situations that have put us in an uncomfortable position. However, we also need to understand that finally, we do have a choice to either say “YES” or “NO” and it wouldn’t be difficult to choose the right one. Do take care of yourself, and remember that your happiness is your priority.

Until then, transform happily!