Understanding DARVO

A Closer Look at Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender Dynamics in Indian Households

As a mental health counsellor in India, I have often observed a troubling pattern of behaviour in many family conflicts known as DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. This psychological defense mechanism, coined by Dr. Jennifer Freyd, is a common reaction in situations where an individual is confronted with their harmful behaviour. Understanding DARVO can help families navigate conflicts more healthily and constructively.

What is DARVO?

DARVO stands for:

• Deny: The person accused denies the behaviour or the incident.
• Attack: They then attack the individual who has confronted them, often questioning their credibility, motives, or character.
• Reverse Victim and Offender: Finally, the accused shifts the blame onto the accuser, portraying themselves as the victim and the accuser as the perpetrator.

Recognizing DARVO in Indian Households

To illustrate how DARVO might manifest in an Indian household, let us consider a typical scenario involving a married couple, Priya and Ravi. Priya notices that Ravi has been excessively drinking and coming home late, which is affecting their family's well-being. When Priya confronts Ravi about his drinking habits, Ravi's response follows the DARVO pattern.

• Deny: Ravi vehemently denies having a drinking problem. "What are you talking about? I do not drink that much. You’re exaggerating."
• Attack: He then attacks Priya for bringing it up. "You’re always nagging me. Can’t you see how hard I work? You don’t appreciate anything I do."
• Reverse Victim and Offender: Finally, Ravi turns the tables, making himself the victim. "You’re the one causing problems in our family. Your constant complaining is driving me to drink."

This response leaves Priya feeling confused, guilty, and questioning her own perceptions. Ravi, by using DARVO, deflects responsibility and avoids addressing his behaviour.

The Impact of DARVO on Relationships

DARVO can be extremely damaging in relationships. It undermines trust and communication, making it difficult to resolve conflicts. For the person confronting the issue, it can lead to self-doubt, emotional distress, and a feeling of helplessness. For the one employing DARVO, it reinforces unhealthy coping mechanisms and prevents personal growth and accountability.

Why Does DARVO Happen?

In many Indian households, cultural and societal norms play a significant role in the prevalence of DARVO. The emphasis on maintaining family honour and the stigma around discussing personal issues openly can lead to defensive behaviours. Additionally, traditional gender roles and power dynamics can exacerbate the use of DARVO, particularly in male-dominated households.

Addressing DARVO in Family Conflicts

Addressing DARVO requires a combination of self-awareness, communication skills, and sometimes, professional intervention like individual and family counselling to learn coping skills.

Here are some steps that can help:

• Recognize the Pattern: Awareness is the first step. Recognize when DARVO is happening, either in yourself or others. Understanding this pattern can help you respond more effectively.
• Stay Calm and Focused: When confronted with DARVO, try to stay calm. Avoid getting drawn into arguments or defensive responses. Keep the focus on the issue at hand rather than the personal attacks.
• Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries about what is acceptable behaviour. Let the other person know that denying, attacking, and reversing the roles is not a productive way to resolve conflicts.
• Seek Support: If DARVO is a recurring issue, consider seeking support from a mental health professional. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore these dynamics and develop healthier ways to communicate and resolve conflicts.
• Encourage Accountability: Encourage the person employing DARVO to take responsibility for their actions. This might involve gently pointing out the pattern when it occurs and expressing how it affects you.

Fostering healthier relationships is the need of the hour if you are in a similar situation like the above example.

Understanding and addressing DARVO can significantly improve the quality of relationships in any households. It requires patience, persistence, and often professional guidance. By practicing open communication, mutual respect, and accountability, families can break free from destructive patterns and build stronger, more supportive relationships.

As a mental health counsellor, I encourage individuals and families to seek help if they find themselves caught in the cycle of DARVO. Remember, acknowledging and addressing these patterns is a crucial step towards healing and building healthier relationships.