How to Handle Your Anger at Your Child

My child is my priority, I just love my child to the core and can do anything for him/her. How often do we come across such love-filled sentences from a parent? The reality is also this, I love my child but my child sometimes, or most often tends to become the punching bag of my anger that I am carrying. Not necessarily it is the child who makes the parent angry, the anger could bean underlying current present already in the parent which is lashed out at the child.

What is Anger?

Anger is a natural emotion. It is a way of expressing that something has gone wrong in our lives. Getting angry is not the problem, the actual problem is in trying to manage anger effectively. It can have an impact both on physical and psychological well-being. In the long run, if anger is not managed, it can lead to physical problems such as high blood pressure, cardiac problems, digestive problems, etc. it can also lead to psychological problems such as chronic headaches, sleep disorders, depression, relationship problems, etc. 

Why do parents get angry?

Every parent gets angry at his or her children sometimes.

It doesn’t help that there are always the endless pressures of life: appointments we’re late to, things we’ve forgotten until the last moment, health and financial worries -- the list is endless. In the middle of that stress, enter our child, who has lost her sneaker, suddenly remembers she needs a new notebook for school today, is teasing her little brother, or is down right belligerent. And we snap.

Honestly, when a parent is not in the anger mode, he/ she is ready to handle any parenting challenge much better from a state of calm. But in the storm of our anger, we feel righteously entitled to our fury. How can this kid be so irresponsible, inconsiderate, ungrateful or even mean?

But no matter how aggravating we find our child's behavior, that behavior doesn't cause our angry response. We see our child's behavior("He hit her again!"), and we draw a conclusion ("He's going to be a psychopath!") which triggers other conclusions ("I've failed as a mother!"). This cascade of thoughts creates a run-away train of emotions-- in this case fear, dismay, guilt. We can't bear those feelings. The best defense is a good offense, so we lash out at our child in anger. The whole process takes all of two seconds.

Your child may be pushing your buttons, but he isn't causing your response. Any issue that makes you feel like lashing out has roots in your own early years. We know this because we lose our ability to think clearly at those moments, and we start acting like children ourselves, throwing our own tantrums.

Some more reasons as to why a parent is angry

Tiredness

Stress and overpressure of work

Expecting perfection from children

To get instant satisfaction

The belief that ‘anger is power’

Stress, fatigue or medical conditions

Unmet expectations

Disappointments

How can you manage your anger?

Maintain an anger log. Yes, that’s right an Anger Log. Write down the triggers an your reaction. This helps you understand the situation that makes you angry so that you can avoid the situation in future.

Here are a few tips that you could follow:

Handle your own emotional responses first. Calm yourself down before you take action. Try slow, deep breathing, picturing a relaxing scene, or repeating a relaxing word or phrase in your mind.

Set limits before you get angry. Speak clearly and check to see if the child understands you.

Listen to your anger, rather than acting on it. Talk calmly and listen. Put feelings into words. Talk about the anger and the hurt that led to it.

Wait before disciplining. Avoid physical force, threats, or expressing your anger in a way that can reinforce and escalate it.

Some things more for yourself…..

Count to 10, although simple it is a very effective anger management technique.

Get away from the place

Let it go

Assert your anger in an adaptive way rather that being aggressive or suppressing. Express your displeasure at a right place at a right time.

If you are still unable to control your anger, consult a mental health professional.

Conclusion

Of course, all of us get angry at our children, even, sometimes, enraged. The challenge is to call on our maturity so that we control the expression of that anger, and therefore minimize its negative impact.

The most important thing to remember about anger is NOT to act while you're angry. You'll feel an urgent need to act, to teach your child a lesson. But that's your anger talking. It thinks this is an emergency. It almost never is, though. You can teach your child later, and it will be the lesson you actually want to teach. Your child isn't going anywhere. You know where she lives.

So take this oath today, this very moment not to react but to respond to your child. Let’s help your anger Transform Happily!