Men and Mental Health

Men and their mental health are something that, I hardly thought about for the most part of my life until I choose to become a therapist/counsellor. All my life I have kept the company of men more than women, only because I find them more grounded, emotionally sorted and have logical reasoning capacity. Every time I've had to deal with a difficult situation in life, I've gone crying to my female friends but when it came to taking constructive decisions, I would always rely on male friends.

This year there has been a lot of buzz on men and mental health, especially after the pandemic. Men have become more aware of themselves and are seeking tools for self-care and wellness. But it's disheartening to note that they are in very small numbers.

The primary mental health issues that men face are depression, eating disorders, anxiety, psychosis, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. Of course, these issues are much graver and overwhelming but men suffer more because they do not do this stuff regularly:

1. They do not share their childhood trauma most time with anyone.
2. They do not talk about issues that they face in everyday life with parents, spouses, kids, in-laws, siblings, friends or co-workers.
3. They do not cry cause it’s not manly to cry.
4. They do not talk about academic, sexual and social disappointments they have had in life.
5. They do not talk about the intense grief they must have felt sometime in their life.
6. Being vulnerable is alien to them.

So why don't men talk about their emotional deficits openly?

When I asked my husband this question, because he is one of the many emotionally closed people I have met in life, he says there is no need to do drama like you women. We men can handle any form of emotional deficits in a much more logical and analytical manner. This is the same man whose EQ was at rock bottom when I had to undergo serious surgery. And with him were a bunch of few more men whom I looked up to for their wise decorum.

‍Why don't men reach out when they are going through everyday anxiety and stress? What stops them?

1. Men are taught early in their life to man up, to be tough not crack up or cry. The message most boys receive in their childhood through society is never to ask for help.
2. For men, it becomes very difficult to admit that they need help. Their largely logical brains tell them that they can take care of it, even at the cost of lying awake many nights trying to figure out a solution. They are afraid to show that they need help and most often use extremely desperate steps to hide their turmoil.
3. If a man chooses to seek help, he struggles to find help. If he does find help, he struggles to unchain himself from the thought that he is going to look stupid or weak in front of a stranger.
4. Once they find a therapist and for some reason, they do not get along, it becomes difficult for them to look around for another one. They are embarrassed, disappointed, irritated and disillusioned. They also function with this mindset that what is this Therapist going to tell new that I already don't know?
5. There are not many male commoners who speak about their struggles openly on a public platform. Celebrities have started coming out in large numbers to talk about their issues, but for a common man speaking up about his state of mind is a daunting task.
6. They are suspicious about the authenticity of confidentiality and a non-judgmental listening ear. This issue men, I have faced numerous times while counselling them, who in turn end up judging me about my authenticity and capabilities.

To the men out there, understand your struggle is real.

• Feelings have no gender.
• It's okay to show your emotions, you will be a man always.
• Crying is good for health and tear ducts are not partial to women.
• Speaking up is courageous and you are not a burden.
• Traditional gender roles need not be a stressor.
• Social expectations about a man are lofty. Times are changing and so should your self-awareness.
• As research shows that more men than women die of suicide, it's time you take a call to action about your mental well-being.
• Substance abuse is not something your resort to as a ready reckoner to solve your stressful issues. Seek help, there is help. Go shop for a therapist with whom you feel comfortable. No harm in indulging in some window shopping before you find the right therapist.
• Partake in conversations about mental health on social media or public forums. These are places you can gather knowledge and feel safe in the company of many more men who are facing issues.

Let us help you transform, happily and healthily!