Cycle of Abuse

Trigger warning - Some readings in this article include topics that some may find offensive and/or traumatizing. I aim to forewarn the readers about the nature of the content. I encourage the viewers to prepare themselves emotionally beforehand.

 Abuse is synced with the visual of a torn down bleeding woman lying on the floor weeping and a sweaty man standing at the edge of the scene panting.

Is this the only definition of abuse? 

Consider this,

Freedom of choice snatched away from a woman in the name of sanskar? Or constant belittling and insults in the name of love?

What would you call these situations ? 

Abuse is not only broken bones and bleeding wounds. It can be anything that causes severe emotional disturbances and health problems. Abuse is a traumatic situation. Even the word abuse has a bad connotation. Most people are familiar with physical abuse, the scars of domestic abuse, and the pain that it causes, but not as many people are familiar with the emotional pain and mental health challenges that result from other types of abuse. Just because you can't see the scars, doesn't mean they don't exist. 

“Abuse is defined as an interaction in which one person behaves in a cruel, violent, demeaning, or invasive manner toward another person or an animal. The term most commonly implies physical mistreatment but also encompasses sexual and psychological (emotional) mistreatment.” - American Psychological Association (APA)

Below we discuss some forms of abuse 

1. Physical abuse

Any form of physical harm like kicking, punching, slapping, hitting, burning and even strangulation is considered as physical abuse. Forcing a partner to use substances and using lethal weapons like knives or guns on humans or objects is also categorized under this heading. 

2. Sexual abuse

Sexual abuse is all about exercising power. Forcing an adult or a child into any form of sexual activity without their concent is sexual abuse. It may include inappropriate remarks, physical touch of any kind without permission. Forcing someone to have sexual intercourse without birth control, having sexual intercourse with someone who is incoherent, intoxicated, or unconscious is also sexual abuse.

3. Verbal abuse

This has a higher occurrence rate in the workplace and schools. Verbal abuse includes regular and constant belittling, name-calling, labeling and ridiculing a person (might include spoken threats).

4. Psychological abuse

Emotional abuse is a strong predictor of physical abuse. The cuts are invisible but they are the deepest. Emotional or psychological abuse is all about brain games and a sense of power. This form of abuse involves using verbal and non verbal communication to exercise control over other individuals. Emotional abuse crosses all barriers. It can happen to anyone in any relationship. Bullying, blackmailing, manipulation, isolation, silent treatment, harassment, humiliation are all examples. Gaslighting is also a form of psychological abuse. 

Abuse doesn’t look the same for everyone or in every situation. Even in the same relationship, abusive behaviors can change from time to time which makes it hard to accept and identify. The victim is always the scapegoat for the abuser. Abusers do not have the word guilty, remorse, acceptance in their dictionary and their projection rates are relatively high. The victims find it hard to accept the reality. The Netflix film “darlings” is a classic example that depicts the abuser and victim relationship.

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Signs to watch out 

There are signs that can help you spot someone being abused, 

1.     Persistent bruises on their body

2.     Unresponsiveness and withdrawal from others

3.     Strained personal and social relations

4.     Avoiding certain people and places

5.     Visible anxiousness when they are in a social setup

6.     Guarded

7.     Constant agitation and irritation

8.     Being overly apologetic

9.     Switching behaviors when there partner or caregiver is around

10.  Always in a rush

11.  Making excuses for their partner’s behavior or words

12.  Looking malnourished or dehydrated

13.  Loss of interest

The terror is so deep that the victims can’t ask for help. This fear is the abuser's armor. Notice others around and help them incapacitate the armor.

Cycle of abuse 

The power of helplessness for the victim does not creep out overnight. This was first explained by psychologist Lenore E. Walker in 1970’s. He outlined 4 stages of abuse viz tension building, incident of violence, reconciliation and calm. He stated that abuse goes through these 4 stages. Abuse does not have a fixed trajectory. This explanation helps us to understand how abusive behaviors bud in a repetitive manner. 

Causes are always external. Mannerisms of the abusive partner alter during this stage. With their  external world collapsing, they lose control of their surroundings. To feel the sense of power to resort to their relationships to feel that power. Emotional outbursts, irritability, short temper are all recurring making the non abusive partner feel attacked and anxious. To prevent this anxiety, the non abusive partner modifies their behavior and starts walking on eggshells around their partner. 

Things get worse with time. Intensity is escalated. Emotional outbursts are converted to hitting and slapping. Short temper gets plummet to life threats. Sexual abuse, blaming, breaking things is the new normal.

 During reconciliation, the abusive partner feels calm as the tension has abated. They make genuine attempts to improve things. They become supportive and loving and apologetic. Because you care about them, you may feel inclined to believe what they are saying and give them another chance. 

During the final stage of calm, your partner might be attentive and supportive but you see a shift in their actions. They make excuses for behavioral slips. They are blaming others for their maneuvers. They also start justifying their abusive actions. Eg, Had you cleaned up properly, I wouldn't have yelled at you. They behave like it's no big deal.

It is very confusing for the non abusive partner. But before you know the entire cycle starts again.

The path is not unidirectional and circular for all. There might be shifts and skips of the stages.  It is of supreme importance that you identify these behaviors early on to prevent another cycle of abuse. Be vigilant and be aware. Learn the difference between love and manipulation. Abuse in any form is NOT ACCEPTABLE! If you know someone who is trapped in an abusive relationship feeling helpless, contact the judicial authorities.

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* https://indianhelpline.com/WOMEN-HELPLINE/ - This link has state wise helpline numbers 

Until then, transform happily!